Wishing You Were Here
by kigal001
Summary: 2nd attempt on story...Takes place during 4th season, where Peyton has to learn to live without Brooke in her life and deal with her feelings for Lucas. Please read and review.
1. Chapter 1

**After taking a year off, I am resubmitting this story, _Wishing You We_re_ Here._ This story was my first attempt of creative writing, please read and review. Let me know if I should continue.**

**This post is the first 7 chapters of the story written. The following chapters will not be as long.  
**

**Sorry, the story is single spaced. I could not get it to double space in the editing format in the story dox.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own OTH.**

**Enjoy.. **

I have not been as fortunate as others. I, Peyton Sawyer, have had a pretty crappy life in my short eighteen years. I lost my mother in a car accident when I was nine years old and was left with my very loving, but distant father, Larry Sawyer. My father is a captain of drudging boat, and spends more time out to sea, than he does with me. I recently discovered that I was adopted. My birthmother showed up on my doorstep, only to spend a brief time with me. I finally got the nerve to get to know her, only to have her die from cancer a month later.

I have learned to embrace the loneness through music, art and my best friend, Brooke Davis. Brooke has been with me since we were eight years old. She was there when my mom died, and every day after. Well at least until three weeks ago, because three weeks ago, everything changed. To put it in simple terms, Brooke is in love with Lucas Scott… Lucas is in love with Brooke Davis… and I, Peyton Sawyer am in love with Lucas Scott, who if you didn't catch before, is my best friend's boyfriend.

Let me jumped back, I need to give you background information, because we in Tree Hill, North Carolina, have very messy and tangled histories. It all started in junior year; I was dating Nathan Scott, "Super -Hotshot" basketball player for the Tree Hill Ravens. We had a dysfunctional relationship. Nathan was an ass, and I guess I didn't think I deserved better. Everything changed when Nathan's unclaimed, half brother, Lucas joined the Ravens. Lucas was the quiet, bookish type. He didn't talk much and hung with Haley James, who was later named "Tutor Girl" by Brooke. Lucas and Nathan have the same father, Dan Scott, but different mothers. Lucas' mother, Karen Roe, became pregnant at the end of senior year. Dan left for college where he met Deb Lee. Dan and Deb got married, moved back to Tree Hill, where she gave birth to Nathan three months after Lucas was born. Dan walked out on Karen, never having a relationship with Lucas. Lucas and Nathan pretty much hated each other their entire lives. So, when he joined the basketball team, it was a huge deal. There was alot of hazing and fighting. Nathan tried everything to get Lucas to quit. He went as far as to coerce, Lucas' best friend, Haley James to tutor him, promising that he would leave Lucas alone. After a party at Nathan's beach house, I finally saw the light and broke up with him. I saw the way he treated Lucas, how he was playing Haley and the last straw, he crashed my car and left it for Lucas to deal with.

During this time, I was finding myself in the presence of Lucas quite often. I was an emotional wreak, well I still am, but he seemed to be at the right place and the right time. We ended up together at a party at Dan Scott's house; he told me had wanted to have everything with me. Truth be told, I felt the same way and I didn't know how to handle all the emotions I was feeling, so I freaked out and ran.

There is one more person to introduce, that is my best friend, Brooke Davis. During this time in junior year, she was the fun, go lucky gal. All the boys liked her and she like a good conquest. She decided that she wanted Lucas, so after my grace period to "claim him" as she described, she would jump at the chance to know Lucas.

I was scared to admit my feelings for Lucas. Since I had my head in my ass, I was too complicated and Brooke was fun and easy -going, Lucas chose to date her. It was hard at first, I really was into Lucas and seeing him with Brooke broke my heart. It was my fault. I took too long to admit my feelings for Lucas and when I did, Brooke walked into his room carrying a can of whip cream, saying something about "getting ready to score", while I was confessing my love for him. So, I did what I do best, I ran and tried to forget what happened in his bedroom that night. That was the night that Lucas chose Brooke over me, for the first time.

Our lives became a huge mess a month and a half later. Lucas and I hooked up while on a road trip. You see, my dad was at sea during a hurricane. I got a call saying his boat capsized and I needed to identify the one body found. Lucas volunteered to come with me, while Brooke stayed at my house in case someone from the Coast Guard called. I was a mess. Thankfully my dad was alive and on his way home. Lucas and I had to return to the motel, because I lost my bracelet in the bed. As they all say, one thing lead to another, we got carried away and made out for a while. We stopped ourselves; well actually, the necklace Brooke gave Lucas got caught in my hair, which brought us back to reality. Reality being, me doing something I never thought I would do. I betrayed my best friend, my sister in the most horrible way. I know that if Lucas hadn't stopped us, I would have gone through with it. I would have made love with the boy I love, who also is the boy that belongs to my best friend.

Lucas and I decided that we wanted to be together and had planned on telling Brooke. The night we were going to admit our feelings to her, Lucas was in a car accident and so the admitting never happened. After Lucas was home, he had broken up with Brooke, but wanted to wait tell her that he wanted to be with me until he felt better. During this time, Brooke caught us in a lie and saw us together on my webcam. Everything fell apart after that. I lost Brooke's friendship and I pushed Lucas away. I decided that life was too short and the only way I would get my friend back was by giving up Lucas.

After awhile, Brooke, Lucas and I repaired our relationships and by the end of junior year we were friends again. During this time, I started dating Jake seriously. I was happy with Jake. I loved Jake. Jake is a teen dad, who had to protect his daughter, Jenny. Nikki, his baby momma was a crazy bitch. The only way to keep her from Jenny was to run. So, I said goodbye as Jake and Jenny left Tree Hill and me for the second and last time. Brooke dated Felix, Lucas dated Anna, and Nathan and Haley started dating and eventually got married, only to have Haley leave to pursue her singing career on the road with Chris Keller.

The summer before senior year, Lucas and I were the only two from our group of friends left in Tree Hill. Brooke spent the summer in California, but not before Lucas told her he loved her and wanted to try again when she returned in the fall. Nathan went to basketball camp in Florida and Haley was touring the country with Chris Keller and Jake had to leave to find Jenny. Lucas pulled his ass of a father out of his burning dealership and I discovered I was adopted. Lucas and I became close, as close as friends can be. It was a summer to remember, the two of us dealing with the difficulties of life and missing the ones we love. Lucas missed Brooke, and I missed Jake and Jenny.

As summer ended, Brooke, Nathan and Haley returned to Tree Hill. Brooke decided that she would date Lucas, but non-exclusively, meaning that they would also date other people. Nathan was not ready to forgive Haley for leaving, and I also had issues with Haley leaving without a word. Eventually, Nathan and Haley worked things out; Brooke and Lucas became Exclusive; and I buried another mom, was shot in the leg, almost died and Lucas' Uncle Keith was shot and killed during the school shooting. It was during this time, while Lucas and I hid in the library that I told him that I loved him and then I kissed him. I played it off as I had lost a lot of blood and was dying, he laughed it off and we pretended that I didn't mean it.

This is when my life gets messy again. I realized that my feelings for Lucas are very real, and right before Nathan and Haley renewed their wedding vows, I admitted to Brooke that I still have feelings for Lucas. Ok, maybe that was a mistake, but I thought I was doing the right thing. I wanted her to understand why I would be distant. I told her I wasn't going to act on my feelings, and it wasn't like Lucas felt anything for me. He loves Brooke not me. I guess I should have known better. Brooke didn't take the news well. She slapped me and called me a "two-faced bitch" and cut me out of her life. The worst part, she also broke up with Lucas. I still don't understand why she broke up with Lucas, he loves her, he fought for her, and he continues to fight for her. Lucas doesn't understand why she broke up with him either, Brooke tells him it's not because of the kiss in the library the day of the shooting, which he mistakenly revealed at Nathan and Haley's wedding. Lucas thought she found out about the kiss, and that was the reason Brooke was not talking to me. Lucas is heartbroken and I'm just happy that he doesn't know the reason why Brooke is cutting me out, because if he did, he would blame me for the break-up.

* * *

It's been three weeks since Nathan and Haley's wedding. Three weeks since Brooke broke up with Lucas. Three weeks Lucas declared his love for Brooke and has vowed that she is the one for him and he is going to get her back. Stupid me, I agreed to help him.

I have spent most my time alone or with Lucas during these weeks. I try to distance myself from him. I know that if he wants Brooke back the only way she would get back together with him, is if I was out of the picture. At some point he will choose her, and I will be cut out of his life.

A few days after the wedding, I found a note from Ellie. She tells me that I have a brother. He is the son of my biological father. I debate whether I should call him. Lucas gives me the final nudge I need and I call. He hung up, but only after telling me to not call back. The next night my brother, Derek showed up at my house. He seemed great. He cared. He wanted to be in my life. It felt good and it felt easy to open up to Derek, to share my feelings about Lucas and the drama with Brooke.

After a few days, Lucas was concerned. Apparently, Derek was acting too protective of me, taking pictures of my ass, smelling my hair. I asked Lucas to not make me doubt myself and just be happy for me.

I should have listened to Lucas. Lucas was right, as always. Derek is a freak. Hell, he isn't even Derek. This guy found me on the internet; he had been following my site, watching me, following me around town and listening to my podcasts. That's how he got into my life, learning about Ellie and that I had a brother, Derek and I asked him to come to me. God, I'm stupid. He broke into my house, he told me we were meant to be together, he told me that he loved me like no one else and he was going to prove it.

That night changed my life forever. Lucas saved the day again. After contacting the police with his suspicions, it was discovered that this guy really wasn't my brother. Along with Lucas, the real Derek showed up during the attack. Derek, the real one, stayed around long enough to give his statement to the police. He said I was a reminder of what an ass "our" father is and he didn't have time for an additional family member.

I told the police that I was fine and refused to go to the hospital. That night I went home with Lucas. I continued to stay with Lucas. I couldn't stay alone in my house. I did drive to Brook's house one night. I pulled up to the house where she lives with Rachel, but I couldn't get out. Then, I noticed Brooke watching me through the window. Our eyes connected, she closed the curtains and I drove away.

It got worse at night. The nightmares were never ending. I would wake up screaming, I would be sweaty and the sheets would be wet. Lucas would just hold me as I willed myself back to sleep. There is one detail that I have kept to myself. I lied; Lucas didn't get to me in time and now when I close my eyes, Psycho Derek is all I see. Him on top of me; I feel him on me, in me. I just didn't know how to admit it. I couldn't handle having everyone know, the whole town, the school and most importantly Lucas and my dad. How would they look at me? They would pity me, and pity I already and receiving is too much and I couldn't handle anymore.

It was the third night at Lucas' house that changed everything and it wasn't changed for the better. I woke up screaming, as always Lucas was there to comfort me. He held me as I cried, rubbing small circles on my back. As his kissed my forehead, I looked into his eyes and made the biggest mistake, I kissed him. He started to respond, but then he pulled away. He told me that I really didn't want to this, that I was upset and that I would regret it in the morning. I told him that I wanted him, that I always wanted him. I begged, I actually begged him, "I need to feel something, please Lucas just give me this".

I woke up the next morning, terrified. What had I done? What was Lucas going to say? He was in love with Brooke, not me. I freaked out, collected my things and snuck out the door. As I walked home I realized that I made a mistake. I shouldn't have ran. I sent Lucas a text. "I'm sorry I left. Needed to shower and change will be back before school. "

I changed and headed back to Lucas. All the way over I played what I was going to say, how I was going to say it. I wanted to tell him that I loved him. I always loved him. I wanted to tell him about the rape, I needed to find away to open up to him.

I walked up to his door, which was slightly open. I heard them before they noticed me. Brooke was holding Lucas' hands in hers. Their eye's connected to each other. "I've missed you, Lucas" Brooke said while cupping his face with her right hand, leaning up to kiss him. The next thing I hear is Lucas, "I have missed you Brooke." I didn't wait to hear the rest or watch them make out. I ran. I didn't stop until I got home. I ran to my room, locking all the doors, including the three deadbolts on my bedroom door.

I didn't go to school that day or the rest of the week. I ignored Lucas' calls. He came over to the house three times. I refused to acknowledge him. My dad got a call from the school. I hadn't been in school all week. I told him that I had the flu and would be going back to school on Monday. He asked about the attack. I told him I was fine. When he continued to push it, I told him that if he really cared he would be here. He said the usually; "I love you and I'll be home in a week." I told him I understood and apologized for my attitude. He said he loved me and that I need to get back to school.

* * *

It's been four weeks since Nathan and Haley's wedding, one week since I slept with Lucas and one week since Brooke took Lucas back. I could feel all eyes on me as I walked down the hallway. Everyone knew about the attack. They also all knew Brooke was cutting me out of her life for kissing her boyfriend. I looked like shit. I haven't been sleeping, and eating was just as difficult. As I rounded the corner to my locker I found Brooke and Lucas leaning against the lockers, and of course it was my locker. They were laughing and holding onto each other. It made me sick to watch.

"Excuse me." I say as I try to get to my locker. I wish I didn't need my history text. I looked at Brooke and said "Congratulations". I grabbed my books and tried to get away before Lucas said anything. I got about ten feet. "Peyton, wait". I figure that I would have to talk with him at some point, so I stopped. "Peyton" "Lucas" I start as I cut him off. "It's ok Lucas. You're with Brooke. You love Brooke and she loves you. You can't have us both. She won't let you. Just like Nathan and Haley had to pick a side, you do too. You chose Brooke. So, be happy and leave me alone." I turn around and enter the class as the teacher is beginning his lecture.

The rest of the day went by slowly, with Brooke and her gushing loudly about Lucas and Haley trying to talk to me. Luckily I have only one class with Haley. It's not that I don't want to talk to her, but Brooke and then I'm pushed out. It is just easier for Haley and me if she would just leave it alone.

I skip lunch and hide out in the art room. I was listening to music and drawing when someone stepped in front of the table. "I've been looking for you" he says as he takes a seat. "Well here I am" I respond. Nathan smirks "remember when we used to hide out in here when we were dating". My eyes meet his "yeah, you would be the only one that would know to look for me here." Nathan sits down in the chair across from me. "How have you been doing? I mean truthfully, how have you been doing?" I close my sketchbook, and look up. "Honestly, I've been better. Brooke is making my life hell and the entire town knows that I let a psycho stalker into my life and into my home." I gather my things and as we are walking to the door I add, "The worst of it is that it's my fault and I am learning to deal with that, it's just going to take some time." I turn and smile before I walk the other direction.

Later that day I find a note from Nathan in my locker. I smile as I read it and realize that maybe I am not totally alone.

_Peyt_on,

_I know things are difficult with Lucas and impossible with Brooke right now. You need to know that Haley and I are here for you. We want to be here for you._

_Please let us,_

_Nathan._

I have cheerleading last hour of the day. Since it is a Phy-Ed credit I have to go, at least until next quarter. As I walk into the locker room, Brooke storms by me, pushing me into the lockers. I know that she is looking for a response from me, but I refuse to acknowledge her and continued to my locker.

"My man a waits" Brooke sings as she heads to the gym. Bevin looks at me, "Great, Nazi Cheer Captain is back. You really pissed her off. Now we're all screwed until she gets tired of this." All the other girls are looking at me when I hear Rachel "or Peyton quits". I look at each girl; most won't even look me in the eye. I grab my stuff and walk back out the door into the hallway.

Walking into the school office, I ask if Ms. Jackson is available. Ms. Jackson is my guidance counselor. "Just a second, Peyton" The secretary says as she walks into Ms. Jackson's office. "Peyton Sawyer, What can I do for you?" Ms. Jackson's says walking towards me. "I want to talk to you about my class schedule. Do you have time?" I ask while following her back to her office. "I sure do, have a seat. Now, what's wrong with your schedule?" she asks as I grab a seat. "I know that this sounds childish and that we all have to work with people we don't get along with, but I hope that you will understand. I need to quit cheerleading and I would like to switch out of period 6 cheerleading into another class." Ms. Jackson is observant. She sees many things in this school that go by most adults. I'm sure that she is aware of my relationship with Brooke, and her sudden hatred of me. This hatred seems to be leaking out and infecting my other relationships around the school.

* * *

"What's going on that you would want to give up cheerleading?" Ms. Jackson asks. "You've been a cheerleader since freshman year."

"Yeah" I answer. "I know that to you it sounds like "high school drama", but it's more than the typical teenage angst that adults play off as unimportant. I've had a hard year. I've haven't dealing well since I was attacked. Along with struggling with the attack, is being around Brooke. I'm sure you've heard that I have been cut out of her life and it seems she is making our friends choose sides as well. Considering that Brooke is Brooke, the most popular girl in school and she is quite demanding, most of the student body is siding with her and it's hard." I shift in my seat and continue "Having to participate in cheerleading will be miserable, not only for me but for the other girls too. Brooke takes out her anger on the others. They blame me and I just can't handle it. I didn't last more than 10 minutes in the locker room today. I know that this sounds childish and I should be strong enough to deal, but I'm not." I look up at Ms. Jackson, tears forming in my eyes. "Please, Ms. Jackson. Let me switch my class. I'll take whatever class is available; word working, auto shop, home economics."

Ms. Jackson opens her computer. "Peyton, I will allow you to change your class. I want you to know that I do understand how difficult it has been for you this year and I am not one of those adults that look at student's drama and play it off as "high school drama". Being a teen is hard enough without all of the events that you have gone through." She put down her pen and turned to face me. "One condition to the schedule change, I want you to talk to someone. Like you said, you are struggling right now and I think if you would work with someone it will help you get through this. You don't have to do it alone." She started shuffling papers on her desk. "This person can be one of the school psychologists here or we can find a doctor/counselor in the community. I have a friend, female and young that you might like. This is your choice. Meet with them one time, that's all I am asking. Just give it a try." I need to switch classes, so I answer "Yes, I will give it a try. I will work with whoever you want.

Ms. Jackson nods her head with a smile and turns back to her computer. "I will need to talk with your dad to get your insurance information. We will need to see which clinics accept your insurance."

Shit, my dad. "I, um.. my dad is away right now. You know works on a dredging boat and won't be back for a few weeks. I have all my insurance information. I can bring it in tomorrow." I say, hoping she will let the conversation with my dad go.

"Sounds good, bring it in tomorrow; now let us check out the open classes."

I discovered that if I get to school early enough, I can get my things from my locker and make it into my 1st period without having to walk through the packed hallways during morning social time.

Ms. Jackson put me in an art class, Basics of Watercolor. Due to my skill level and the fact that I am coming into class mid-way through the session, Mr. Hanks, the teacher is creating an independent project for me to complete. I have not had much experience with watercolor in the past, so I think it will be changeling and I am determined to enjoy it. My assignment is simple. Find something, a location, an object, or a person that gives me peace. I am determined to find something with I can truly find peace and happiness. I think this project will help pull me out of this funk.

The 1st day of class I walk into the art room and at the back table is Lucas. I completely forgot that he is in this class. Most basketball players have Phy-ed this period, like the cheer leaders'. Due to Lucas limited time on the court and his heart condition; he stayed in his 6th period class when he rejoined the team a few weeks back.

Of course the only stop open is next to Lucas. "Hey, is this seat taken?" I asked.

"Hi! No, it's yours" Lucas says as he moves his bag out of the chair. "What are you doing here? Don't you have cheer practice?" he asks as I sit down.

"I quit cheerleading" I say as I am pulling out the materials for class.

"You might find this class a bit easy, maybe even boring. You should see the art I am doing in here. It's very 3rd grade." Lucas says while pulling out his latest assignment.

"Nice, I like the colors. Good use of space." I say. He laughs and puts the painting back in his bin.

I go on to explain how Mr. Hanks is giving me an individual assignment. "Plus, I haven't used watercolors much and I think it will be changeling."

"Good, Listen Peyton. I'm sorry you feel that you had to drop out of cheering. I keep trying to get Brooke to let up about the kiss and forgive you. She's just being stubborn. I'm sure the other girls don't want you to quit, they'll want you to cheer with them. Don't you think…. " "No" I interrupt. "I don't think I should be in cheerleading, because Brooke has turned into Nazi Cheer Captain, again and it is because of me. It's not fair to the girls, so I'm back off. I have other things more pressing to deal with than trying to work things out with Brooke when she obviously isn't interested.

Lucas backs up a bit is his chair, putting his hands in the air. "OK, I surrender" he says while laughing. "I 'm glad you got into this class. I know that this is not the place, but I think we need to talk about what happened."

Luckily, Mr. Hanks decided to start class at that moment and I didn't have to respond. I can only pray that Lucas will forget what he said, but it never works that way.

* * *

Her name is Connie Fields. She's young, late twenty's, early thirty's. The office is very hip and comfortable. The walls are painted an earthy red, which provides a calming effect immediately. She has three possible chairs; I take the oversized armchair in the corner near the windows. She offers a drink then takes the chair opposite of me.

"You can call me Connie. "She starts. "Ms. Jackson has told me a little bit about you." I sigh and wonder what kind of things she has told her. "What, like I tried to steal my best friends boyfriend? Kissed home while I was bleeding to death on the library floor and now I am the school whore? My ex- best friend is slowly intimidating everyone to side with her, leaving me without my friends, not that I had a lot of close friends to start with." Connie waits until I am finished. "No, actually she told me that you recently lost your mom to breast cancer; you were involved in the school shooting and that you had another traumatic event that she felt was better if you told me. She smiled and looked out the window and continued. "Jessica, I mean, Ms. Jackson, says that you are smart, hard working and a good student; an amazing talent for art, especially drawing. You have a passion for music unlike anyone she knows." I smile "Yeah, I do love my music." "Ms. Jackson also said that you had an interest in a career in music or art." She looks over with a questioning expression. I nod. "I really don't know what I want" I mumble.

"While you have a long life ahead of you and plenty of time to make a decision or change careers several times if you wanted." I smile. Connie continued "Ms. Jackson was concerned enough to ask you to come see me. So, what I want from you is to relax and talk to me. Talk about anything you want. We can start deep, you can tell me what is bothering you the most or we can talk about various bands or the weather. You decide on the topic and we can change the subject anytime you want. Ok? I nod and respond "ok."

She continues to look at me. After a minute I state "I got tickets to see Elvis Costello at Southside Field for next Saturday." Connie shifts in her seat "Really? I have always liked him." "Yeah, '_My Aim is True' _is the first album I purchased." I look down at my hands. "Of course I have two tickets and I can no longer go with the friend I was planning on going with. I guess I should give him his ticket, since he already paid me. I could give him both tickets. I don't have anyone to go with and he could take my ex-best friend."

We spent the rest of the time talking about music. It was nice to have someone to talk to. Connie is kind, relaxed and didn't push me to talk. On the way home I stopped by Lucas' house. I decided that I would give him the ticket. I figured I would go and see if he would show. I got to his door and just I as I raised my hand to knock, the door opened. Standing across from me is Brooke, giving me a look that actually has me wondering if I should just turn around and run. I don't want to deal with her, but I decided that I needed to be strong and stand my ground.

"What are you doing at my boyfriend's door?" she snarls. I sigh. "Is Lucas home?" I step back while Brooke walks out onto the porch. I'm not sure if I she's gonna hit me again. "No! So, why don't you leave before he gets back and embarrass you when he tells you that he no longer wants to talk with you." I turn to walk down the stairs and when I look up there is Lucas walking up the sidewalk. He lifts his head to connect his eyes with mine. I see the look of shock. I can tell he is also nervous about me being there with Brooke and him. "Um.. Peyton. Hey" He says as his eye's travel from me to Brooke. I quickly change my plans. "I just stopped to give you your ticket to Costello for next Saturday. You might as well take both. You have someone to go with." Low blow, I know. I hand him the tickets and walked away. "Peyton.. wait." He jogs down the steps. "You take the tickets. We got them because you wanted to see him." I turn around. "WTF" I scream. "Didn't you hear me? I HAVE NO ONE TO GO WITH!" I turn on my heels and walk away, slowly. As always, Lucas Scott stood on his sidewalk watching me walk away. I hear Brooke say, "Who's Costello?" I shake my head and keep walking.

I spent the rest of the night locked in my house. I'm in my room doing what I do every night. Listening to music; completing my homework and drawing. I finished my history assignment and was going to move onto English when I heard someone in the house. I've kept all the doors locked and have removed the hidden key. So, I start freaking out. The handle on my door moves. Thank god I have the dead bolts, I think to myself. I pull out my cell and am ready to call 911 when I hear him. "Peyton, what's going on? Open the door." I sigh in relief. It's my dad. I jump off to the bed and unlock the 3 deadbolt locks. Opening the door I smile and say. "Hi" He just looks at me. "Peyton, you lied." I'm shocked. "What?" He moves closer and holds my head between his hands. "You're not fine. You said you were fine." I let me pull me into a hug as the tears begin to roll down my face. He holds me for a few minutes, and then pulls back. "I'm going to go downstairs and order us dinner. You clean up and meet me in the living room." I give him a small smile. "Ok.. Dad, I'm glad your home." Me too Peyton, me too."

Twenty minutes later, the pizza arrives and we are in the living room, eating in silence. "Talk to me Peyton. What's going on?" I place my pizza down on my plate. "Dad, I am ok. Really, I am. I just still feel scared at times when I am alone in the house." He nods his head. "I thought you were staying at Karen's?" Great how do I answer this? "No, there's just not enough room. Plus Lucas and Brook are together and I just can't stay there anymore. Brooke and I are fighting. No, actually we're not friends anymore." He takes a drink of his beer. "Ok. Didn't know that. Why are you and Brooke not friends?" How do the answer that. Tell me the truth or not answer. I decide that I should just be honest. "I.. I kissed Lucas.. It was during the school shooting. I thought I was dying. So, I kissed him and told him I loved him. Brooke found out. We're not friends anymore." I left out the part of me confessing my feelings for Lucas. "Oh, honey." The look on his face is it sadness for me and the situation, or is it disappointment that I kissed a boy that wasn't mine to kiss. "I'm sorry dad. I know you're disappointed in me. I'm disappointed in me. I should've kissed him." I start to cry again. He grabbed my hand. "I understand Peyton. I'm not disappointed in you. I am disappointed in Brooke a little bit." He looks in the eyes. "but, not you." I lean over and hug him. We finished our dinner and watched TV. As I tried to sleep, I debated whether I should tell my dad what happened.. tell him everything?

* * *

It's Thursday, my dad has been in town for couple of days. He told me today that he has to leave on Saturday. Since his first night home things have been good. We have been hanging out at night, having dinner, watching TV while I finish my schoolwork. It's almost as if we were a normal family. I still have not said anything about the attack.

The nights have gotten better. I am sleeping better, having him in the house. I am haven't locked my door since he has been home. We'll see if I can keep it unlocked after he leaves. The nightmares still come, but I haven't awoken screaming for Lucas, at least not until last night.

_I woke up screaming. My dad ran into my room, trying to wake me from my dream._

"_Peyton, honey… wake up. It's just a dream." He grabs my shoulder trying to shake me from the nightmare. I continue to cry out for help, begging for him to stop._

"_Please stop. Don't hurt me. Please Derek.. You don't want to do this. No.. No.. No.. " I then scream "Lucas!" As I scream I jolt awake from the noise._

_Sitting up in bed, I am disoriented. My dad pulls me into a hug. "Peyton, it's ok.. It's dad.. I'm here." He continues to hold me, whispering "I'm here. You're safe. I love you. He isn't going to get you, he is in jail."_

_I'm slowly regaining control out my breathing. My dad pulls back out of our embrace. "How about some hot chocolate?" he asked. I nod my respond and he helps me stand. I follow him down the stairs and into the kitchen. I take a seat at the table and watch him take out the ingredients to make the hot chocolate. We drank in silence as the sun began to rise. He offered me the chance to stay home. I thanked him for the hot chocolate and for being there for me and declined saying that I had a test in English that I couldn't miss. He didn't ask about the nightmare, and I didn't offer any information. He knows that it is better for him to wait until I bring it up, otherwise I won't ever talk about it._

I get another hour of sleep before getting up to go to school. My dad is asleep on the couch when there is a knock on the door. He rises to answer it.

"Hey, Mr. Sawyer" the familiar voice floats up the stairs.

"Hi Haley, how have you been?" He asks as he moves aside to let her in the house.

"I'm doing well. We're getting ready for the championship game tomorrow. Are you going to be able to come with Peyton?" Haley asked.

He looks up the stairs as I am coming down. "I guess Peyton forgot to tell me"

I grab my bag off the table. "I didn't forget. I'm not going, so no reason to ask you to come with."

"Why wouldn't you go Peyton? Aren't you cheering?"

Shit. I forgot to tell him I dropped out of cheerleading. "No, I am not cheering anymore. Listen.. I gotta get to school. I will talk to you about it later today when I get home. Which I will be a little late, because I have an art project I need to work on after school." I turn to Haley "you need a ride to school or are you here to see my dad?"

She smiles "As much as I like talking to your dad, I'm here for you. I'm ready, lets go. Bye Mr. Sawyer."

My dad opens the door for us. "Bye Haley.. Bye Peyton, I love you."

"I love you too, Dad. See you later" and I am out the door.

Haley jumps into the car, as I slide the key into the ignition and pull out into the street. She looks over at me. I know she wants to talk, but isn't sure how to start.

"What is it Haley?" I ask stopping at a red light.

"I think you should come to the game and cheer." She looks for my response.

"No, Haley. First of all I quit and your cheer captain wouldn't let me join you for the day. Most importantly.. I don't want to go. I have other things I need to do." I answer as I pull into parking lot. "Thanks for asking me. Now I've got to run to the art room and collect my project materials. Less time spent with Lucas in the room the better. See you later Hales."

"Yeah, see you later…and Peyton." I turn to face her. "Just think about coming tomorrow. I'll talk to Brooke and the other girls." I nod and walk into the school while Haley stops to talk to Brooke at the entrance.

The rest of the day at school was good. Since my 5th period is study hall, and the last period is my art class, I was able to leave at lunch to work on my project. I drove out to the spot that I choose to paint and worked until four. This was the first time I have been out here to work on the painting and I have to admit that I am happy with what I produced.

My dad was bringing groceries into the house when I arrived at home. I grabbed a couple of bags out of the car and followed him into the house.

"How was school?" he asked shoving items into the fridge.

I climb slide onto the counter. "It was adequate. I used my study hall time during 5th period to work on my art project, so I left school at lunch. I'm pretty happy with what I produced. Oh, and I think I did well on my English test." I jump down from the counter. "I better go grab my stuff from the car." I walk out of the room to the front door when I hear my dad call.

"Peyton, I'm glad you had a good day. What do you say to chicken on the grill tonight?"

"Sounds good dad" I reply as I run out the door.

After dinner I am working on a sketch that is part of my project for art when my dad enters the living room.

"Peyton, I need to talk to you." He sits down in the chair next to me.

"Ok, I'm listening." I close my sketchbook and place it next to me on the couch.

"I'm worried about you." He states, talking slow and cautious, not wanting to set me off about their decision. "I think that you need to move in with Karen while I am gone. I talked to her today and we both agree that it is for the best."

He was right to be cautious. "For the best?" I repeat. "The best for whom?...You?" I ask starting to stand up. "So, you can go out to sea and not have to deal with my shit? Just pawn me off on someone else? Karen's? How can you even suggest her house? You know the situation with Brooke, Lucas and me and yet you want to put me in the middle of it 24/7? Just leave, go do your job. It's what you've done since mom died. I will be ok, I always find a way and this time won't be any different." I grab my books and head to my room. I lock the door and dro wn out the rest of the world for the night, listening to my music, which for a change coming in through my ear buds, so I don't bother my dad.

* * *

I woke early on Friday morning. I hear my dad down stairs in the kitchen. I am dreading the conversation that needs to take place. I know I said things last night that hurt him. I just can't seem to control my emotions lately and it is starting to worry me.

I put on a pair of sweats and a t-shirt and head to the kitchen. Walking passed my dad's room; I see his duffle bag on his bed, ready to repack for his job. I walk down the stairs and find my dad cooking eggs and bacon.

"Morning, Dad." I say as I pull out a glass and grab the orange juice out of the fridge.

"Morning, Peyton." He responds pulling a couple of plates from the cupboard and loading them up with eggs, bacon and toast. "Take a seat and have breakfast before you head to school for the day."

"Oh, we don't have school today. State Championship game." I take the plate and set it in front of me. "I planned on working on my art project. I have a lot of finish since I transferred into this class mid-term." After a beat I add "or we could hang out; do something together outside of the house, but I have an appointment this afternoon."

"I would like that. We can do anything you want…. I do think we should talk about last night." He says, as he looks me in the eye. I can tell he is worried, and a bit hurt.

"I know… I'm sorry Dad. I didn't mean to say those things to you." He puts his fork down and interrupts me.

"Peyton, I want you to listen to me. You have every right to tell me how you feel. I am not disappointed in you and you are right I have not been here for you like I should. I want you to know that there is no other reason than that we need the money this job pays. I love you and I promise you that after this job, I will only take day trips and I will stay in Tree Hill until your graduation and you get settled somewhere in the fall."

I shake my head. "Dad that is not what I want. I do understand. I know that you love me and if you could, you would only take day trips, but you have wanted to save money to send me to college, which I still don't know what my plans are. There are only a few months until I graduate after that I will be gone, so I don't want you to change your scheduled jobs. Ok?"

He smiles and says "Ok". Knowing that he will not change my mind and it is not worth arguing about. "So, what is it you want to do today, Chicken?"

I move to the sink and rinse the plates and place them in the dishwasher. "Actually, I have an appointment. Now don't get too excited, I just thought I would check it out." My dad gives me the look that says just spit it out. "My appointment is with the Art Department at UNC (University of North Carolina). It's at 3pm, so we have time to look around the campus. Will you come with me?"

He moves towards me. "There is no other place I would rather go. Thanks for asking me to come along."

"Chop, Chop then, the morning is a wasting and it's a 2 ½ hour drive to Chapel Hill." I yell I run up the stairs to my room.

Three hours later we are pulling into the parking lot in front of admissions office.

"We have a few hours before your meeting. Should we go check out the student union? I bet they have a book store and we can find some lunch." My dad says as he shuts the door and walks to my side of the car.

"Um, sure. Yeah that sounds good." I reply grabbing my bag from the backseat.

We walk to the doors of the admissions building when my dad speaks. "You seem nervous, Peyton. You ok?"

"Yeah, I am a bit nervous. I mean.. I am a little scared that they will think I'm not good enough to attend their program. I maybe one of the better artist at Tree Hill, but there's not much competition at the high school. I haven't even had professional classes, just what they offer at the school and what I have studied myself."

He puts his arms around my shoulder and sighs. "Peyton, Peyton. Stop second-guessing yourself. You're going to knock their socks off. Plus, they wouldn't have scheduled to meet with you if they weren't impressed with the work that you submitted."

"Thanks Dad. Look there's the book store and the food court. Do you want to check it out or get lunch first?"

"I'm starving; I want to check out the food situation." He says laughing as we towards the restaurants.

We spent the next two hours chatting while we ate; we walked around campus a bit and ended our time in the bookstore, where my dad made me buy a UNC t-shirt. He said that I might as well buy one now, so I will have it to wear the first day of school in the fall. I just smiled and handed him the shirt adding "Just because I let you buy me this shirt doesn't mean I am coming here in the fall. I mean, I may decide not to go to college… ok?" He nodded and headed to the cash register.

As I sat in the passage seat, next to my dad as we drove back to Tree Hill, I began to think that this could be a great move for me, to come to UNC in the fall. The interview went great. Mr. Jackman, a university professor in the Art Studio Department, was impressed with my work and said that they would be thrilled to have me in their program. Even with my late application, he felt that I would be accepted into the program for fall term.

The Studio Art program has everything I want, courses that encourage the development of technical skills and a personal creative vision; learn how to find creative solutions to problems and how to express my individuality. They also have an Art History program I could take part in some of their courses, along with a business management program that would come in handy if I decide to pursue in my dream of opening an art studio, or even a newer dream of opening a record label. So many things are running through my mind right now that I trying not to show my excitement.

One problem I have is that UNC is also the school that Lucas was planning to attend. I'm not sure how that would affect me, having him close and I am sure if he comes then Brooke will be at UNC too. I remember her talking a few months ago how UNC had a business management program that would be a great degree that she would need running her Clothes over Bros' clothing line. This would be an issue when I also would be working on a business degree along with the art degree.

As we pulled into the driveway, my decision was to apply to UNC. I am not going to put off my dreams because I am scared or because there is a possibility of having to deal with Brooke for the next 4 years while attending the same college. It's a big university and I should be able to live my life and learn to be strong and independent, at least I already have a head start on the independent part.

Please review...


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks for the reviews. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own OTH**

So, I'm moving into Lucas and Karen's house today. It was decided that I would be making the move when my dad received a call from a detective at the Tree Hill Police Station. Apparently, while my dad and I spent the day in Chapel Hill, Ian Banks, also known as Psycho Derek, was being transferred back to his hometown in Texas when he escaped local custody outside of the airport in Tree Hill. Since my dad was leaving for another job, he thought I shouldn't be alone and the only option was Karen.

I talked my dad and Karen into letting me wait until tomorrow to pack and move in on Sunday, so I had one more night at the house with my dad and hopefully I would be able to talk him out of the move. At least that is what I thought, until he got a call and left after dinner. He tried to call Karen, but there wasn't an answer and I promised that I would be ok and would go over to Karen's later. Deep down I thought that I would let the night pass and they would see that I would be fine on my own and I wouldn't have to move.

After locking all the doors and windows, including the three deadbolts on the bedroom door, I tried to sleep. Curled up on the bed staring at the ceiling for an hour, freaking out over every little sound, I got up and started packing. I was all packed and ready to move by 5am.

I decided at 7am to get out of the house. It was Saturday and there weren't many people out and about yet. I went to the beach. The spot Lucas and I would meet at over the summer. Before I knew it, it was 9am and my phone was ringing. I snatched my phone from my pocket and looked at the screen. It was Lucas, I hit the ignore button and let it go to voicemail. I'm just not ready to face the reality of my situation. I will be living with Lucas. I don't see how this will work; I don't think I will survive an hour in the same house, maybe they'll find Ian Banks soon and I won't have to worry.

I sat on the beach for another 30 minutes before I felt someone approaching. I knew it was him, I always know when he is around. I wish I didn't.

Lucas sat beside me. I continued to look at the ocean in front of me. Silence, then I spoke. "So, Did you tell Brooke? I mean that I'm moving into your house for awhile."

"No, not yet. I thought I would stop by her apartment once I got your stuff in the house. I still need to get my stuff upstairs." Lucas replied.

"What? No! I am not moving into your room." I say as I get to my feet.

"Peyton" Lucas tries to talk.

I interrupt, "Lucas, No! Either I stay in the room upstairs or I don't move."

"Peyton, that bed it horrid, my mom wouldn't..."

I interrupt again, pacing the beach in front of him. " I'm not discussing this Lucas. I seriously will lock myself in my room before I will move into your room." I stop in front of him, and look into his eyes. I begin to panic. "I can't believe you would even consider that would be ok. What is Brooke going to say, she's going to have a hissy fit. Oh my god! What was I thinking!" I begin to pace again, "She's already making it hard enough at school and life in general. This will be the thing that will put her over the edge. I can't deal with her 24/7." I fall to the sand. "At least living at my house, I am able to get away from it all. I can't live at your house. I can't handle this anymore." I get up to leave, moving fast towards my car. Lucas is running behind me. "Peyton, please stop. Talk to me. Peyton... Wait."

I stop at my car, opening the door. "I just... It won't work. It will just put you and your mom in the middle of this thing between Brooke and me."

I get in my car and look up at Lucas when I hear him start to talk. "Peyton we'll work it all out. The most important thing is your safety, and Brooke will understand, and it's not like either of us have a choice, our parents made this decision, not me and not you, right?"

I feel the tears building in my eyes. "Yeah, right. Just tell Brooke how you didn't have a choice." I shut the door and roll down the window as I start the car. "I'm gonna call my dad, maybe he'll let me join him and I can finish classes through homeschooling." Before he has a chance to speak, I put the car in gear and pull away. I don't go home. I drive and just keep driving. I try my dad, but there is no answer. Like it matters, he would never go along with me joining him on a job.

I kept driving along the coast. Thinking back to my trip to UNC with my dad. I never thought I would have been so excited about that interview or attending school there. For the first time, I really felt that I would eventually be ok. I'm not sure about going to the same school at Lucas and Brooke, but the thought of attending college somewhere and having a focus narrowed down into my field of interest feels good. At least it did.

The next thing I know I am in front of Jake's house. It's mid afternoon and it looks like he is not at home, but I really wouldn't know because I am too chicken to face him. He sent me home to find my heart. I did and it's with Lucas. Jake also told me that he would be here if I found it with him. It is fair to lie to him, tell him my heart is with him, not Lucas? No, he deserves better. Next question, it is fair for me to run to him knowing how he feels about me with my current issues with Lucas and everything else in Tree Hill? No, it's not.

Last question… Where do I go from here?

I'm about to pull away when there is a knock on the passenger window. I'm startled and I jump and when I look over he's laughing at my reaction, but only for a second, because as soon as I see him I breakdown, hard and loud sobs escape my lips. I can't even look at him. He's now pounding on the window.

"Peyton, open the door." I don't respond. "Peyton, come on. You're scaring me. Let me in." He moves to my side of the car, he squats down so he is level with me. He knocks on the window softly. "Peyt. Please." I shake my head and mumble. "I can't".

Next thing I see is Jake running to the house. He left. If it's even possible I cry even harder. I wish I could just drive away, but I can't. I can't stop crying. Two minutes later he's back with a key. He had a key to my car. Quickly the door opens and he is pulling me out of the car. At this point I'm not fighting him, we fall to the ground and he pulls me close. I'm practically on his lap, sobs raging through my body, sitting up against the car on a quiet, but family neighborhood street. I know people are driving by, but I can't seem to care. I can't stop crying. I'm not sure how long we sit there, but at some point I have fallen asleep and Jake has carried me to his bed.


	3. Chapter 3

**As always, Thanks for the reviews!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own OTH! **

I wake up to darkness. I actually slept for hours, uninterrupted hours. I don't remember the last time that happened. I look over at the person next to me. "Oh god", I whisper. It's Jake. It is all coming back to me. The fight, or rather rant with Lucas, the sob fest with Jake. I am such a mess. I need to get myself together, but I just keep falling further down the slope.

I try to move off the bed without waking Jake, but it doesn't work.

"Peyton?" Jake mumbles.

"Um… Hey Jake." I whisper, dropping my head as I sit up turning away from him. He touches my back and my body tenses up. I can tell from the way he removes his hand that he felt it too.

"Peyt, how about something to eat?" Jake asks as he get up from his side of the bed.

I respond with a simple "Yeah." We get up and he grabs my hand and leads me into the kitchen. I look at the door to Jenny's room and back to him. "She's with Nikki for the night." I simply nod and continue down the hall.

He begins working in the kitchen as I sit on the stool at the counter. Neither of us speaks as he makes a couple of ham sandwiches along with some ice tea. He places the meal in front of me and speaks for the second time. "I grabbed your stuff out of your car." I look up at him. "Your phone kept going off, so I checked your miss called. You have a lot of people looking for you and worried about you. Lucas called like fifteen times and you had almost as many from Karen." He takes a drink of tea and a few bites hoping that I will speak. I don't say anything. I continue to pick at the sandwich in front of me. "I called Karen." For the first time I look up at him, our eyes connect. "More than 30 missed calls from Lucas, Karen, Nathan and Haley. Peyton, I had to call and let them know you were alright."

I look down at my plate again and nod my head a few times. "No Brooke though? Or my dad?" I was with a question in my voice. Jake just looks at me and finally shakes his head no. I get up and walk towards the living room. "What's the point then? I can't go back there. There's nothing left for me in Tree Hill. Only pain and loneliness." Jake sits down next to me on the couch. "I can't stay here either. It's not fair. I'm sorry Jake, I shouldn't have come here."

He takes my hands in his, "No, I glad you came." He smiles at me.

My eyes fill up with tears. "No, Jake. You were right." He gives me a questioning look. "I... I'm.. I have feelings for Lucas." A half sob catches in my throat.

Jake lifts my head so I am looking at him. "I know... I know you are Peyton. It's ok, really it is." Jake says as he pulls me into a hug. "Peyton, Karen... When I talked to her, she told me about some stuff. She told me that you were moving in with her because some psycho is stalking you and when Lucas went to help you pack you got upset and left." He took a deep breath, "Did you tell Lucas how you feel about him?"

I laugh, "Other the time when I was bleeding out on the library carpet and thought I was going to die?" I look up at him. He nods "No, I can't tell him. He loves Brooke."

Jake nods with an understanding, "What happened with you and Brooke? You mentioned that she wouldn't have been one of the missed calls."

I take a deep breath and pull the blanket Jake gave me around my body. " I… Um… told her that I still had feelings for Lucas. I mean when I got back from visiting you here, in Savannah. Obviously, she didn't take it well." I finish with a half laugh. "She slapped me and called me a back-stabbing whore."

Jake pulled back a little. "What did you expect? Did you think that she would say, "that's ok, you can have him?" Jesus Peyton." I sit up straight and move to the end of the couch, my eyes filling with tears. "You told your best friend you were in love with her boyfriend."

"I… I… No!" I finally spit out. "I told her that I thought I still had some feelings for him. That I wanted to be honest, so she would understand why I couldn't be around as much… Why I was struggling to be there, it was hard for me." I got up from the couch. Becoming more frustrated, thinking about all I had been through in the past month. "If it was the other way around I may have been upset, alright I would have been upset, but I would never have treated her the way she has been treating me. She hit me, made fun of me; she yelled at me for missing cheer practice, made it so difficult for the other girls that I finally quit cheerleading. She made fun of my mom's death, Jake. I stopped in pacing and looked at Jake. "There is no way she ever loved me, any of them… even my dad. I was attacked… I …" I sink to the floor in sobs "I... I was raped" Jake just looks at me, as I pull my leg to my chest, rocking back and forth. I continue to talk through my sobs. "He touched me, Jake. He hurt me and they should know that I'm falling apart inside. They shouldn't have to ask and then believe me when I say that I'm ok. I can't do this anymore. I can't pretend. I don't want too." I start to hyperventilate. "My chest, I can't breath."

Jake falls to the floor beside me rubbing my back. "Peyton, just breathe, calm down."

"I can't… I can't breathe." I gasp. "It hurts, Jake."

"I know Peyton, just hang on" Jake says as he jumps and runs from the room. He comes back with his phone. "I'm calling the hospital."

I hear him talking on the phone. Explaining what is going on. He hangs up the phone and grabs his keys. "Come on Peyton, I'm taking you to the hospital."

I would fight it if I could, but I can't catch my breath enough to say anything. Jake picks me up and grabs my purse and carries me out to his car.

So, what do you think? Any suggestions/critique for my writing?

Please review.


	4. Chapter 4

**I love summer break. So much time to write. **

**Once again, I do not own OTH**

******Thanks for the reviews**.

I wake in the hospital. I vaguely remember the ride as Jake drove, and carried me into the Emergency Room. My chest felt like it was going to explode. I couldn't catch my breath and it hurt so much. It all hurts. I look around the room. It was still all a blur, being rushed into a room, doctors talking and asking me questions. The last thing I remember is being given a shot and being told that it would help me relax.

I close my eyes and listen to the noises coming from outside of the room. The door opens and I turn to see Jake walking in. He smiles "How are you feeling? You really scared me." Jake says as he sits in the chair beside the bed.

I can't believe that I put him through this. I look over at him and sigh, "I'm so sorry Jake. I shouldn't have come. I didn't mean to bring you into my messed up life."

He sits forward in his chair. "I'm glad you're ok and you are always welcome here. I care about you Peyton." He looks at his watch. "I'm sorry Peyton, but I need to go. Nikki has to get to work and I need to get Jenny."

I nod my head, "Yeah, of course. Thanks, Jake. Tell Jenny I said hi, ok?"

Jake grabs my hand and looks into my eyes. "I will. Peyton… I called Karen, she wasn't in, but I talked to Lucas. He… Um, is coming down to get you. He should be here in a few hours." I nod and turn on my side, facing the window and away from Jake. "Bye, Peyt. I'll check in with you later." Is all I hear as the door close and Jake walking away from me and the mess that is my life.

I lay in silence, alone for a while. A nurse comes in and changes the IV bag, checks the machines, writing results on her mini computer. She asks a few questions and I respond with one-word answers. She tells me that the doctor will be in soon.

I watch her walk out the door and move to face the window again. Jake said he called Lucas. I don't know how to deal with this information. What am I going to say to him or anyone for that matter. I hope he hasn't told anyone else about coming to Savannah for me. I sigh and turn on my back as the doctor walks into the room.

"Ms. Sawyer, I'm Doctor Nichols. How are you feeling?" he asks while looking through my chart on his mini computer. Man the medical field has gotten technical.

"Ok, I guess" I reply.

"Well, Peyton. Lets go over what happened." He sits in the chair next to the bed. "You had a panic attack. Mr. Jagielski told me that you have been under a lot of pressure lately. Is that true?"

I nod, "yeah, you could say that.

The doctor makes a few notes and continues. "You were given a dose of Lorazepam. This helped control your heart rate and bring you down. A Karen Roe is here and would like to see you. My understanding is that your father gave her legal access to tend to your medical needs. Is that correct?" he asks.

I reply with a nod.

"Ok", the doctor continued. I have additional information to discuss with you. Do you mind if Karen is included in this conversation?"

"Yes, that's fine." I say as I sit up and adjust the bed.

Karen walks into the room. I see concern on her face as she walked to my bedside and leans down to hug me. "Peyton, I am so glad you are alright. I was so worried about you." She says as she sits in the chair next to the bed. "Dr. Nichols says that he wants to go over some things. Is it ok that I am here? I only want to help you. I hope that you will let me in so I can do that." I nod and give a small smile. I can tell that Karen really cares and will do almost anything for those she cares about.

The doctor comes back into the room. "Ok, Peyton came into the ER in the middle of a panic attack. She had server heart palpitations , shortness of breath and chest pain. I'm sure it felt like you were having a heart attack." I look at Karen and nod as he continues. " From what Mr." he looks at his records. "Jake, Jake Jagielski" I insert for him.

"Yes, that's him. He mentioned that were under a lot of emotional distress. I think it will be beneficial for you to see a counselor, talk about some of these issues you are facing. I can give you some names of people who work with in the area."

Karen speaks up before he can continue. "Actually, we live in Tree Hill North Carolina, not here in Savannah."

The doctor looks at his records. "Oh, I see that now. I have contacts that will be able to suggest some therapist in Tree Hill as well. I don't know.." I interrupt.

"I'm actually seeing someone already." I look at the doctor, avoiding the surprised look on Karen's face. "Yeah, I mean. I've just met with her once."

"Good, that's good. Dr. Nichols responds are he makes a few notes. "Talk to her Peyton, Let her know what is going on, what happened here today."

Dr. Nichols clears his throat and looks at me. "Peyton, I have to talk to you about something else. It's personal and if you want Karen to leave we can talk privately." He looks at Karen and back at me.

I can feel myself start to panic. What else would he want to discuss that is more personal. I look at Karen and she looks worried too. I take a deep breath and decide that I need help and so I will let Karen stay. I am just realizing that she may be the only one who will be able to help me and I see that I will have to tell her about the attack. I don't think she would tell anyone else.

I look at Karen again and say "She can stay."

Dr. Nichols dives right into the issue. "Peyton, did you know that you are pregnant?"

Karen looks from the doctor to me. I look at her. "No. I… Um… I can't be." I'm shocked. I didn't even think about that.

Dr. Nichols looks at the chart again. "The test came back positive. The pregnancy levels, HCG are low, you can't be very far along. That is way your wouldn't have known yet. You been sexually active, correct?" He asks looking at me.

"Yes" I respond with a nod. I can't believe this. I can't be pregnant. I can't have his baby. Wait. Suddenly it hits me. His baby. Whose baby? I don't even know who the father is. I feel myself going numb. I feel like I am falling apart. "No, this can't be happening. I can't have a baby. I can't have his baby." Tears fall from my face as I turn away from Karen and face the window.

I hear Karen and Dr. Nichols talking about prenatal appointments and needing to get prenatal vitamins before the doctors leaves the room.

Karen grabs the water pitcher and pours me a glass. "So, I'm not going to push you, but you know that I am always here for you Peyton. So, please talk to me. I know things have been difficult with Brooke and that it has to do with Lucas, and that is making it harder to have live in the same house as him." At the mention of the couple I tense up and Karen notices the change. "Then there is this new information, which we will put on the back burner for now." Karen sits in the chair, putting her hand on my shoulder. "Peyton, I don't know what happened between you and Brooke, but I know that she has been quite the sneaky little bitch." I turn and look at her. "Oh, you know I love Brooke, but she is in the wrong." Karen continues to talk, She is insecure, asking people to choose sides, and making it very difficult for you in your life at school as well as in the community."

"I know." I look up and say "She actually told them they had to choose a side. I not only talking about Lucas, Haley and Nathan, but the kids at school, all of my so-called friends or acquaintances. It's Team Brooke or Team Peyton." My eyes fill with tears again. I can't believe that I actually have any fluid left in my body with all my crying. I turn towards the window again and quietly ask the question that I really don't want to know the answer to. "Is there anyone else here?"

Karen sighs, no I came alone. Lucas knows I'm here and what happened because Jake talked to him. I told him to stay home and not to tell anyone else for right now. He has been so worried about you too."

My eyes meet hers. "Thanks, Did you call my dad?" I ask.

"Yes, he is going to call you tomorrow when he docks in New Orleans. He's not sure when he can get home." Karen says

The tears start rolling down my face as I turn my whole body away from Karen, curling in to a fetal position and closing out the world to focus on my pain. I hear Karen say, "I'm so sorry. Peyton, you know that he loves you."

I ignore her last words and she sits back in the chair.

"Karen" I say.

"Yes" she replies.

"I don't want to see Jake. I mean, if he comes back. Please tell him I'm sorry… I'm just not ready to deal with him."

"Ok, I'll tell him" Karen responds.

Karen waits until she thinks that I am asleep before dialing a number. I hear "Lucas It's mom" as she walks through the open door. I try to listen to the hushed words in the hall. "We're coming home tonight… Just make sure all of her stuff is in the attic… Lucas, I don't care what you think. She wants the attic room, so that is where she will stay. Also, I don't want anyone at the house for a few days… Yes, the includes Haley and Nathan… She needs rest and I think I said too much about Brooke… Well that she is being a sneaky bitch, wanting all of you to choose sides and actually choose her side and cut Peyton out… No, Lucas. She is. You can't deny it… I may be old, but I'm not blind and I hear about the on goings at Tree Hill High. Listen, I got to go. I will call you when we leave Savannah."

I hear Karen walk back in the room and turn to look at her. I am not sure if she's aware that I overheard her, but she just smiles and tells me that she is going to look into getting me discharged and walks back out of the room looking for the nurse.

I sit up in my bed and think about how my life is going to change again. I feel better knowing that Karen is there to support me. I just have to learn to deal with what has happened to me and with the news of the baby.. I really need to get into a doctor to see if I can narrow down how far along I am. I really don't want to deal with having Lucas Scott's baby, but I would rather the who world know what a back-stabbing whore I am, having my best friends boyfriends baby than having even one person know that I was having Ian Banks baby. A baby that would be the result of the rape I didn't want anyone to know about.


	5. Chapter 5

**Thanks for the reviews, as I absolutely love to hear that you are liking the story. Even if you don't, I like nicely given criticism.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own OTH!**

The drive back to Tree Hill from Savannah as uneventful; It was late and the drugs they gave me made me pretty tired so I slept all the way home.

I heard Karen call Lucas and tell him that we were on our way home and that we would be home late. She also called Jake and agreed that my car was safe with him until the following weekend when he would drive it up to Tree Hill. Luckily I hadn't packed my stuff in my car and Lucas had been able to grabbed my bags from my house and bring them to my new room at his house. At least it will be mine for a little while.

I spent the next few days hiding from the world of Tree Hill. I made it into the attic room that night at Karen's and I haven't left with the exception of the few times I went to use the bathroom. I ignored Lucas when he came up to talk to me and only spoke to Karen when I needed to. Karen had told Lucas that company was not allowed for a few days, and she had personally told Haley that I would call her when I was ready to talk.

I spent this time laying on the bed, listening to music and drawing, but even my passion for drawing was low. I couldn't stop thinking about how messed up I am and I am not sure that I have the ability to pull myself out of this. I have huge, life altering decisions to make and not a lot of time to make them. I know it is only a matter of time until Karen does her motherly confrontation.

I wasn't wrong, the morning of the third day Karen got tired of waiting for me to come to her and came to me.

"Peyton" She called as she walked into the room. I sat up on the bed and pulled out my ear buds and turned my iPod off. "Peyton, I've given you time to yourself, but now it's time to start coming out of hiding. The longer you hide away the deeper you are going to fall and eventually you will be so deep you won't know how to climb out. You have too many things going for you to be hiding away in a room, barely eating and sleeping. So, before you get sucked in, we are pulling you out of this funk." I adjust myself on the bed and Karen sits down next to me. "I know you and I know that I can't force you to talk to me, but I am here for you whenever you want to talk. Now, we need to talk about expectations. You will go back to school tomorrow, I've called the school and told them to expect you and Lucas is collecting any missed assignments that the teachers can gather for you. Hopefully you won't get to far behind after missing these past few days. Second, I expect you to eat meals with Lucas and me. No more skipping meals, you are too thin, which brings in the next topic." I nod and wait for Karen to continue. "We need to talk about your pregnancy, Peyton."

I look up at her and nod. "I was hoping that you forgot about that little piece of information." I say while playing with the earphones on the iPod.

"Sorry, No such luck. I may be old, but my memory is still there." She adds with a smile. "What are you thinking Peyton, believe me I know how huge this is. I've been there, hell I'm there now. Even though I'm old this time, this was not planned and once again, I'm alone in raising this baby without its father. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I understand what you are going through." She takes a deep breath. "Peyton, do you know what you want to do? Have you thought about your options? Have you talked to Jake?"

"I… Um… Jake… I don't understand. Why would I… Oh, you think… Jake isn't the baby's father." I finally spit out after realizing that was what she was thinking, but what do I do now. What do I tell her? "I just, I don't know what to do. I… I'm… there is so much stuff involved. I 'm not sure what I'm doing. I… How am I going to tell my dad? He is going to be so mad Karen." I turned and looked at her with tears in my eyes. "I keep ruining everything. This will be too much, I don't think I can handle this."

Karen grabs my hands into hers, "Peyton, you are going to be fine. I know it doesn't seem like it, but it will. Your dad will be disappointed, but he will be there for you. I will be there for you. I know you feel like your friends won't be, but I have a feeling that they will also be there to help you through all of this." Karen takes a deep breath. "I just assumed that Jake was the father. I'm sorry about that."

I can tell she is trying to find away to ask the number one question that everyone will want to know. So I decided to jump in a ask it. "The father, that's what you want to know, right? Who the father is." Karen nods and I continue. "I… I don't. I'm not sure." I finally say as I stare at my hands.

"What? What do you mean you don't know" Karen asks as she get up and walks over to grab some tissues from the dresser.

I don't know what to say. Do I say I was raped and the other possible baby daddy is her son? I can't tell her about Lucas, I feel that I need to tell him first, if I'm going to tell him at all.

"Peyton, who is the father?" Karen asks again, pulling me from my thoughts and handing me some tissues.

"Um… I… I lied, that night. The night of the attack… When they asked me. I told them, the police and Lucas. I told them that he didn't rape me, but he did." I finish as wipe my eyes.

"Oh" Karen walks towards me. I feel that horrible pain, this emotion. I can't talk about this or I will fall apart. "Peyton, I didn't know, oh, sweetie." She says as she tries to comfort me. I pull tense at her touch.

I get up and start walking around the room. "But, I was also with another guy. One week later. I just wanted to forget. It was just a one-time thing. Now you see why I don't know who the father is and I'm not sure how to deal with him either. It's not like we're together or that it meant anything. We haven't even spoken since that day." I sit back down on the bed in tears. "Do I have to find out who the father is? If they ever find 'Psycho Derek', I don't want him to know. He can never know that there was a possibility."

"Peyton, sweetie… You need to calm down. Now, decisions do not need to be made today. I think we should get you into a doctor see how far along you are, maybe they will be able to give a better time frame of conception and that will help determine who the father is. I can give you the number of my doctor or if you already have a gyno, you can use her." Karen hands me another tissue.

I wipe my eyes, "Thanks Karen, I would like to have your doctors name and number."

Karen smiles, "I will go and get it now and you can call and make an appointment." Karen gets up and starts towards the door when she turns around and says, " I'm going to the café in a little bit. Maybe you would like to join me today? Help out with orders and then you'll already be there for dinner. What do you think? You interested in hanging out at the café for the day?

I think about it for a moment and nod at Karen as I accept her offer. "Karen, Thank you. You know for… well everything."

"You are so welcome. Peyton, I love you and you are going to be just fine. We're leaving in 30 minutes." She says and then disappears down the stairs.

The café was busy during lunch. I have never waitressed before so, I just worked behind the counter. I think that I would enjoy doing this, helping out at the café. I will have to ask Karen if she needs help after school or on the weekends. Since Karen called the school and asked to send assignments home with Lucas, I wasn't surprised when Haley showed up during her free period with a few assignments for me.

"Hey Peyton! How are you?" Haley asked as she enters the café. "You look good behind that counter, you want my shifts this week?" she adds with a smile. Before I can comment she continues "Lucas thought you might want to get a head start on the assignments that you have missed, so I brought them during my free period. I also got permission to stay during history to work on a project. We we're paired to work together. So, if you want we can get started. It's not due until next week, so we can wait too."

Karen walks up behind me. "I think that sounds like a good idea. Take that table over there. I can handle the café rest of the afternoon. I'll even get you girls a snack."

"Thanks Karen, Come on Haley." I say as I walk to the table in the back.

Haley and I spend an hour working on our assignment and sharing an order of fries as we work. It was almost as if things were normal and I wasn't the outcast that had been attacked, lost my best friend and had sex with the boy that I love, who is also the boy that my best friend loves and I can now add pregnant to that list. As I said I almost felt normal, but I knew Haley would have to make a comment at some point.

Of course she decided to broach the subject as she was packing up her bag. "Peyton, Lucas said you are planning on coming back to school tomorrow." I nod "Well, I know that you haven't wanted to talk about what has been going on, but I want you to know that I am here for you. That is if you ever want to talk. I know it seems that I am on 'Team Brooke', but I'm not, Peyton. I mean that. I am your friend too. You just have been so stand offish, pushing us away. Brooke will come around. She'll realize that your kiss with Lucas meant nothing, other than friendship. As you said you thought you were dying. It's not like you have done anything to steal Lucas from her, and Lucas isn't worried…"

I couldn't take it anymore and I interrupted. "Haley, It's ok. I know that I have been the one pushing everyone else away. It has just been easier. As far as Brooke is concerned, I don't care. Ok that's a lie. I do care, but I really shouldn't. God, she has been so mean, and with everything I've been through lately, she should have been there for me instead of making fun of my problems; the attack, Ellie. Ellie shouldn't be a punch line of a joke to hurt me."

Haley tried to cut in a defend Brooke and her insecurities. It was then that I realized that however much Haley wanted to be there for me, and I know that she will be my friend and will be there, but she is closer to Brooke; Lucas is her best friend. My conclusion is that as much as Haley wants to be there for me, Brooke will always come first. Most importantly… I have too many other things to deal with then this shit with Brooke and Lucas.

"Haley, It's ok. I really don't have time to worry about Brooke. I honestly am still dealing with the aftermath of the attack and I need to focus on getting my life back." Haley grabs her bag and I walk her out to her car. "I appreciate your concern Haley. I really do. I am working on getting back to my old self… myself before the shooting and the attack. This year has been a tough year, but I am going to be in school tomorrow and we can have lunch if you want. I will try and not push you away, but remember that if I start to distance myself or whatever, I not trying to, it's just that I forget. It's my MO and always has been."

Haley smiles, " I'm glad to see the Peyton that I know fighting her way back. See you at school tomorrow." She says and turns and walks towards the school to meet Nathan.

I continued to work on my assignments and then helped Karen with dinner. I made it through dinner with Lucas. He joined us at the café for chili. He shared stories of the day and what happened at school. I provided answers when asked questions, but it was Lucas and Karen that carried the rest of the conversations.

Karen had given me her doctors phone number and I had called and scheduled an appointment with her as well as another appointment with Connie Fields, the counselor. I am feeling better about things. I know that I'm stronger than what I have been showing and I am going to get back to the place I was before, maybe I'll even be at a better place.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I do not own OTH**

I'm sitting in the doctor's office, alone. Karen was going to come with me, but there was an emergency at the café, and I told her I would be fine. I kind of wish I hadn't said that. I am really nervous. Things have been ok lately. I have been staying at Karen's for a week and have been back at school for a couple of days. I mostly keep to myself at school, I did have lunch with Haley that one day, but it was so awkward, everyone watching and waiting for Brooke to jump in a make a scene. I think I will be eating lunch in the art room for the rest of the year. I do have a lot of assignments to catch up on, since I was gone a few days and also had switched classes mid quarter.

I am suddenly brought out of my thoughts when I see Brooke walking through the door.

"Brooke Davis, I'm here to see Dr. Hansen." She tells the lady at the front desk. "Take a seat and complete these forms." The receptionist responds. As Brooke turns around our eyes connect. She looks shocked to see me, but then walks to the other side of the room. We're both in an OB office. Thoughts are running through my mind. Is she pregnant? Shit! She's pregnant with Lucas' baby. I might be pregnant with Lucas' baby. I see her looking at me. I wonder if Lucas told her that we slept together. I look back over at her and she is filling out the paperwork. A few minutes later a nurse walks into the waiting room and calls my name. I grab my things and follow the nurse.

With every step I take I freak out a little more. A million questions running through my head, the one questions that I need the answer to the most "Who is the father?" Now that I saw Brooke here, I feel like such a slut. I didn't feel that way before. We can't both be pregnant. Even if this baby isn't Lucas' he will try to be there and it will come out that we slept together and he will think that he is somewhat like his father. Getting two girls pregnant at the same time.

I also don't know how I will tell people who the father is. I could lie and say I don't know who it is, it was a one night stand with a stranger I met in the bar and I don't remember his name and that he isn't from around here. I don't want people to know that this child is a product of rape. I don't ever want the child to know that either. I had decided that I would never abort it, and I could never carry this baby for 9 months and then give it to another couple to call their own. I understand why Ellie gave me up, but I'm not a drug addict. I am capable to take care of a child, this child. I also know that Karen was right, once I tell my dad he will be there for me, for us. I think as I sit down on the chair in the room and wait for the nurse to talk. The nurse does all the normal intake procedures; weight, blood pressure, urine sample and of course the questions.

"When was your last period?" she asks.

"I think about 8 weeks ago. I don't really keep track on a calendar." I reply.

"Are you sexually active?" She asks and I think 'we'll duh! That is how you get pregnant.'

Instead I just respond with a simple, "Yes".

She continues to type my answers on the computer. "Are you on the pill?"

"No" I reply, "I was on the pill, but I went off of it a few months ago due to headaches." She looks at me as if she is saying, 'dumb girl, you shouldn't be having sex. "I didn't plan on having sex, I mean this wasn't planned." I add.

"Oh, well change into this and the doctor will be in to see you soon." The nurse says as she grabs my chart and walks out the door. I hear another nurse passing by make a comment about teenage pregnancy and how there are two of us in the clinic.

I sit in this little room for what seem like an hour. It is cold and I really wish I had a blanket. I'm about to put my jeans back on to warm up my legs when the doctor walks in the room.

Apparently the doctor I was suppose to see, Dr. Fish, was called out of the office today and so I will be see another doctor. Dr. Schafer, that's her name. She looks to be about 60, grey hair, glasses and very judgmental. I am already nervous about being pregnant and 18 and still in school. How will she respond to my age? Look at me with disappointment? Tell me I'm too young to be having sex and to have a baby? All the things I already know.

She formally introduces herself. " Hi! I'm Dr, Schafer and am filling in for Dr. Adams this afternoon. You must be Peyton?"

I nod as she looks at the information that the nurse has given her.

"So, you think you are pregnant?" She asks

"Yes, I was told at a hospital in Savannah that I was." I answer.

"Oh, why were you admitted to the hospital? Do you live in Savannah?" She asked.

I shift on the table. "I live here, in Tree Hill. I was visiting Savannah and I had a panic attack and my friend took me to the ER. That is when they took some tests and discovered that I was pregnant."

The doctor takes a few notes and continues. "Are you feeling better?" I nod "Good, no more panic attacks then?" She asks.

"No, just the one." I reply.

"Great. We'll your urine test you gave today also came back positive as well. Have you thought about what you want to do?" she asks as she checks my ears and throat. "What options are out there for you and your boyfriend?"

"I… I don't have a boyfriend. Actually, I was wondering if there is a way to tell when the baby was conceived, an exact date?" I asked as I look down at my hands. "I was with two guys about a week apart. Is there a way to determine the date so I would know who the father is?"

She gives me nod and responds. "Peyton, It's ok. I'm here for you. I know this has to be difficult. You just turned eighteen, your young and still in high school. Have you told your parents yet?"

"No, it's just me and my dad and he works on a dredging boat and is gone and won't be back for another month." I tell her. "Karen, she is a friend of the family, I'm actually staying at her house right now. Anyway, she was in Savannah with me and she knows that I'm pregnant. She would have come along, but she couldn't get away from work."

Dr. Schafer walks over and grabs the chair on wheels, "Well, I'm glad that Karen knows, that you have someone to talk with about this. Now, lie back and lets take a look and see what we find. I will perform an exam as well as a ultra sound and we should be able to tell how far along you are."

I lay back on the table and she gives me a sheet to cover my lower half. She does the exam and asks a few more questions about my life before she grabs the ultra sound machine. "So far everything looks normal, lets take a look with the ultra sound machine. I nod my head as she lifts up my top and pulls the sheet down a bit to get at my lower abdomen. "This will be cold." She says as she squirts the gel on my stomachs. I flinch at the touch, even though I know it is coming.

"Let's see, I'm going to take some measurements, that will let us know how far along you are." She explains. I nod and continue to watch the monitor. "That, right there is your baby and this is its heartbeat." She says as she points to the screen.

I smile as continue to look at the tiny little thing. She wipes the gel off my stomach as she tells me that I can sit up. "Let's talking about the timing, do you know the first day of your last period?"

"Not really, I think around the middle of January, maybe the 15th." I tell her.

She writes this down. "Peyton, do you know the dates that you were with these two boys?" She asks.

"Yeah, Um. The first one was the 21st and the second time was the 28th. Of January." I answer.

The doctor writes this down and pulls out a calendar. "Generally speaking, you would have ovulated around the 29-31. I would say that the likelihood of conceiving with the guy you were with on the 21st is very slim. I can't say for certain, because every woman is different and you could have ovulated earlier, but I would say that most likely the father would be the second guy. The only way to be sure is to have a DNA test done."

I nod and try to calm my emotions. I feel like I am going to burst, I can't deny that I am happy that the doctor is pretty convinced that the dates lean towards Lucas being the father, but it isn't 100% without the blood test.

Now I just need to figure out how to deal with Lucas and Brooke. How do I tell him that he most likely is the father of my baby? I would like to say that he doesn't need to know, but I know him too well and I think he would want to be there for this child. I know he would turn his back on the baby or me for that matter. It's Brooke that I am worried about and the fact that he will lose her when this gets out and if she is pregnant, he will lose that baby too. So, either way he will lose a child.

It's the second week in March and I have 12 weeks before graduation. I will be 4 ½ months pregnant by then. Maybe I can keep myself covered and no one would find out. Well, except Karen. Maybe she wouldn't tell anyone if I asked her. I have some time before my dad comes home, so I guess I will just wait and see what happens between now and then.

* * *

So, what do you think?

What do you think Peyton should do?


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